Very poor sleep last night, and absolutely black sort of mood this morning. Didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to shower, didn't want to get dressed, come to work, etc. 

Perhaps it's the transition between one head med and another. I was taking Cymbalta, a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor (SNRI). We've cut the dose in half, in preparation for switching to Celexa, a selective serotonin (only) reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Both are known for withdrawl symptoms, so perhaps I'm feeling something from the cutback on Cymbalta -- which wasn't doing much for my depression and anxiety, anyway.

I've tried reading the Wikipedia entry for norepinephrine but I can't make any sense of it. Serotonin is a little easier to understand but I just want the transition to be over. And I want to stop feeling so damn depressed and anxious.

This semester I've been barely scratching by: 20 hours a week at the library, teaching one course, and working as a "research assistant." The latter, the source of my health insurance, ends in May so I've been stressing about that. 

Getting nowhere with the proposal for my dissertation, let alone the dissertation. So I've been stressing about that as well. One faculty member offered to talk, perhaps help. My response was that what I need most right now are:

1. A therapist, to help me deal with depression, anxiety and ADD - lifelong problems for me but especially difficult this past year or so; preferably a psychiatrist so that we can consider

2. Different medications for the above than the one medication I'm taking now for depression which hasn't been much help, and

3. A job. A real job, full-time, with benefits. My assistantship ends in May. My reserves are gone (have been gone for some time) and I need the stability as well as the health insurance. It costs a fair bit to keep me alive, unfortunately. But a secure job would do a lot to alleviate the depression and anxiety. Not much can be done about the ADD, I fear.

My preference is to find a job here on campus or, failing that, here in the area. If circumstances take me away from Maryland, I don't think I would ever be able to finish my dissertation.

I'm glad to say that I have now Taken Steps. I looked up a psychiatrist in College Park, made an appointment, saw him yesterday, and we're changing my head meds. That's a start. He wants me to dig up the names of the docs who diagnosed ADD, and I have. The "talk therapy" part will be somebody else, but insurance covers all but $15 a visit.

I also talked to my advisor, who can give me two classes to teach in the Fall and the Spring, which makes my teaching an assistantship and includes benefits.  That plus by library hours means stability, although actually less money (the teaching gig these past two semesters has been extra pay after the library and assistantship). I'm not sure its enough to live on, but the promise of it takes a lot of stress and anxiety away. I can still look for something more permanent and better paid in the meantime. Summers are still going to be a bitch.

Also: my car, which died last week, is now running again. $750 I don't have, but still. Need to get new glasses and some other health stuff, but it's a start.

Now if only I could only focus and think!  

 

Well, the scale seems to be moving in the right direction. 198 this morning.

 Slept from the time I got home yesterday until around 10 this morning (with a small period of wakefulness around  midnight). Depression is kicking my butt.

I need a therapist, different meds for anxiety/depression, and a JOB.

So here's a pic of me at the December "Employee Appreciation" Party. (If they don't call it a "Christmas party" or "Holiday party," they can use state funds to cater.)

More overweight than ever, I'm taking only a small portion of the sweet potatoes. Carotene, you know.

The next serving tray, which offered brussels sprouts and pureed, whipped celery root (no, really!), was easier to resist.

At any rate, 200 lbs. plus (202-203 lbs.) is more than I have ever weighted in my life, at least as far as I can remember. That's as much as my friend P., who is much taller, and on him it looks good. Me, not so much.

Had a physical in early January:

Routine safety labs (blood counts, sugar, liver, kidneys, etc) are all normal.

Cholesterol is 194, with an HDL (good cholesterol, should be over 40) of 34, and an LDL (bad cholesterol, should be under 130) of 108.

Thyroid is normal.

PSA (for prostate cancer) is 0.5; anything less than 4.0 is normal.

So, healthwise, the only problem is my good cholesterol isn't high enough. What changes

that, I asked? Diet and exercise, the doc said. Figures.

Not getting much exercise. Did cut all wheat from my diet, just to see what would happen. It's the one thing I actually CRAVE and I thought it would be good to tray and break that "addiction." Again.

Am now just under 200, which is a step. Did some yoga the other day which was a good idea but think I tried to loosen up my hips a little more than they were willing to go just yet. But the only routine in my life right now is depression and anxiety. Anxious about money when my assistantship runs out in May, and depressed that I'm not further along with my Ph.D. I sleep more than is good for me.

Let's see if I can get out of this rut, shall we?

Well, let's climb back on the health and fitness wagon, shall we? Been studying like a crazy man, which somehow always seems to involve crackers, chips and cookies. Must be the glucose. Or something. But enough of that. I'm getting too big for my britches. Breakfast: 3 eggs, coffee Lunch: Caesar salad with chicken, seltzer. Snack: Walnuts and cashews (with raisins). Found these in the cupboard, must be over a year old. A bit stale, but still edible. Dinner: Pork chop, sweet potato, seltzer.

It all went to hell right around the time of the power outage (lost a whole freezer food of food in that, too). Anyway, haven't kept a record of what I've been eating since and its all been junk. So, starting tomorrow, I will try to be good.

Sleep: about 4 hours.

Stress: Better since I think I've turned a corner on Prof. F's research

Breakfast: chicken biscuit, coffee (Stamp)

Lunch: chicken with rice, grill tomatos, eggplant, salad. Unsweetened iced tea.