This semester I've been barely scratching by: 20 hours a week at the library, teaching one course, and working as a "research assistant." The latter, the source of my health insurance, ends in May so I've been stressing about that. 

Getting nowhere with the proposal for my dissertation, let alone the dissertation. So I've been stressing about that as well. One faculty member offered to talk, perhaps help. My response was that what I need most right now are:

1. A therapist, to help me deal with depression, anxiety and ADD - lifelong problems for me but especially difficult this past year or so; preferably a psychiatrist so that we can consider

2. Different medications for the above than the one medication I'm taking now for depression which hasn't been much help, and

3. A job. A real job, full-time, with benefits. My assistantship ends in May. My reserves are gone (have been gone for some time) and I need the stability as well as the health insurance. It costs a fair bit to keep me alive, unfortunately. But a secure job would do a lot to alleviate the depression and anxiety. Not much can be done about the ADD, I fear.

My preference is to find a job here on campus or, failing that, here in the area. If circumstances take me away from Maryland, I don't think I would ever be able to finish my dissertation.

I'm glad to say that I have now Taken Steps. I looked up a psychiatrist in College Park, made an appointment, saw him yesterday, and we're changing my head meds. That's a start. He wants me to dig up the names of the docs who diagnosed ADD, and I have. The "talk therapy" part will be somebody else, but insurance covers all but $15 a visit.

I also talked to my advisor, who can give me two classes to teach in the Fall and the Spring, which makes my teaching an assistantship and includes benefits.  That plus by library hours means stability, although actually less money (the teaching gig these past two semesters has been extra pay after the library and assistantship). I'm not sure its enough to live on, but the promise of it takes a lot of stress and anxiety away. I can still look for something more permanent and better paid in the meantime. Summers are still going to be a bitch.

Also: my car, which died last week, is now running again. $750 I don't have, but still. Need to get new glasses and some other health stuff, but it's a start.

Now if only I could only focus and think!